Another restless night ensues. My mind wants to run a marathon. It’s only fair; after all I’ve been training for this nightly brain marathon for years. When I have a particularly full plate, it’s like carbo-loading for my brain. The to-do list and unanswered “problems,” race to garner my attention, even if it’s only for a few brief moments. Sure enough, there’s always another thought right behind it ready to overtake the lead.
Trying to focus on nothing becomes even more distracting and then I get mad at myself for not having enough control to just shut it all up. This is not good. I tell my fiancé, who is drifting into peaceful slumber, that I can’t relax. Being the amazing and supportive partner he is, he immediately starts to massage my shoulders and rub my back in hopes of getting me to relax. Many times this helps, but tonight the only solution I come up with is that I should write. But what in the hell can I possibly be inspired to write about so late? Plus, I’ll break my cardinal rule of stepping away from the computers, tablets and smart phones at the end of the day.
In the midst of this internal argument, uncannily to tune of the soundtrack of my fiancé’s blissful light snoring, I have a solution. What if I do just get up and write, but what if I write about what I’m grateful for. Instead of focusing on what’s unknown, I’ll try focusing on what I do know. So, here’s my short, not all-inclusive list, of things that I am grateful for:
- I am thankful for my strengthening relationship with God. There’s no need for me to know everything; He’s already got that under control.
- My ah-mazing husband-to-be. Honestly, no one knows me better and no one loves me so unconditionally. He is extremely supportive, caring, thoughtful, funny, and loves me exactly as I am. Together, we are better as individuals and we make a killer team. Our faith is growing simultaneously and bonds us as a couple, but also gives us the strength to help others.
- My stepdaughter who has taught me more about love, simplicity, and patience then she will probably ever know. My heart has definitely grown a size or two with her in it.
- My family and friends. There are just too many people to mention. How lucky am I? As independent as I am, I know I have an army of people right behind me. They carry me, push me, make me laugh, and put my ass in place when necessary.
- My dogs. We have four in this house and if it were up to us, we’d have about a gazillion more. There is no love, like the love of a dog. They are my soldiers who never retreat from me, are always ready to cuddle, and who kill my anxiety one lick at a time.
- Our home. When we purchased a home earlier this year a dream of mine came true. We fought extremely hard to get to this point. I count this home as a blessing every single day. Sometimes it’s surreal that we made it happen. It was years in the making. We scraped just enough together to do it along with the help of some very special people. It is such a blessing for the first time in my adult life to have a place that I can truly call home. As long as I continue to work for it, no one can take it away. And I mean no one.
I have countless blessings so why do I get caught up so easily in the unknown? Perhaps its time to take my training to the next level by ignoring uncertainties the way I ignore a cramp when I run or the pain when I do burpees. Sheep, you’re coming with me. Get to jumping. Mr. Sandman, this is your cue.